40, 40, 40…oh how I love you!

Reflecting, reflecting, reflecting. That’s my game. And since it’s my birthday (yay me!) it is only natural for me to reflect on this turning 40 thing.

I reflect on what has come of my life.
I ponder where I’ve been and how far I’ve come.
I smile at how magical it all has been and how fabulous it is now.
Mostly I hang out in the present and sometimes in the past.

They say hanging out in the past is bad. I don’t buy that. I’m not one to dwell on the past or wish differently about the past. My thoughts of the past serve me well as they remind me of something wonderful I’ve experienced; the California road trip, laughing hysterically on Allison’s couch, fun work parties or whatever has happened in my life that lights me up. The bad stuff also serves me well when I think of times in the past when I was confused, distressed or feeling pain. Those memories remind me that even in horrible moments, I always come out ok.

The future though…I don’t hang out in the future often. It never really did much for me. I think part of the reason for that is because the most amazing blessings I’ve received in my life were not planned. I couldn’t have dreamed them up if I tried. And I’m a good tryer.

I’ve been a diligent student; every year I review the past 12 months and create solid goals for the next year. I check myself throughout the year, tweak as needed and all is fine and dandy.
Then BOOM…magic happens. I can never plan for that.

Magic shows up in ways I couldn’t have dreamed up. That’s why I don’t hang out in the future much.

I have this secret relationship with my higher power, with my Goddess, my Universe (or whatever I’m in the mood to call it). She and I believe that there is no point trying to dream big because big is already part of my story. No matter what she is going to surprise me with more than I could ever dream of anyway. And just like I wanted to be surprised to find out if my first baby was a boy or a girl, I like being surprised at what will transpire with this magical life I have.

It’s all sparkly, rainbows and unicorns right? Hell no!

Yet even when I’m struggling I have the insight that the struggle is part of the blessing.
I tap into the knowing that a little bit of enlightenment can be found in the struggle.
I muddle through it and end up back in my flow.

I tried being distraught that I was turning 40. I tried to get depressed about it because some of the people I talked to seemed to know something I didn’t know. It looked like they were saying, “Whoa, are you ready?” I was a little freaked out about that. Until I reflected and got all zen with my life.

As I was reflecting I heard a whisper say ‘enough reflecting…dream with me’. So I reluctantly started to play around in dreamy world. This is what I saw in my future:

My inner whisper and I are tight. I give her quiet time and I listen with an open hear.

I enjoy the wild and free movement of my body in connection with my spirit. I will dance through storms and in sparkling sunshine.

Light and Beauty
I know it will surround me. It always does.

I will persevere with intensity and commitment to what I believe in. Fire-like passion.

There is and always will be adventure in my life.

Pure love and joy with family, friends and with ME. I will cherish routine and ordinary days with those I’ve known forever and I will delight in spontaneous new friendships too. I love on strangers for no reason at all. I am boss at self care.

Allowing play to be an integral part of my life has completely changed me. If you can picture me skipping into my 40’s, please know I will continue to skip and do cartwheels for as long as I can. This is why skorts were invented you know.

Practicing to lean into my faith, trust and surrender is part of my forever.

Creativity and Innovation
I used to try and fit myself into the box. I forced myself to be the way I thought I was supposed to be based on a bunch of bullshit. To BE ME, to be creative and innovative in how I live my life, how I love, how I inspire and get inspired, and how I connect with people is the most freeing way to BE! I shall BE more and DO less!

Diving Deep 
I’ve dipped my toes into all I don’t know about myself as a racial being. I’ve expanded my mind and learned history I was never taught and I’ve listened in a way I was never able to hear. I have experienced the pain and joy of that process. I want more of that in my future; whether its personal or professional growth it doesn’t really matter…to learn is to grow.

Gray Hair
Oh hell yes, I am going to rock some gray hair in the future. There will be a day…


What I don’t want you to know about me is that I spent some time playing with a dream of expansion. I don’t know why I think this is embarrassing, but I do.There are shells I’m breaking through. There is confined space that I’m busting out of. I picture myself on a mountain with my arms open wide in full expansiveness. That is what I dream of. That feeling. That existence. I can taste it every once in a while and it is delicious. I want to splash around in that more!

I didn’t know 40 could feel so good.
I didn’t know I would laugh as much as I do.
I didn’t know friendships with my soul sisters, my work family, my mama friends, my facebook friends (yes seriously) would add this much joy to my life.
I didn’t know my family would be so healthy and fun.
I didn’t know my community would add so much meaning to my life.
I’m so grateful to live it another year. Take that 40!

Happy Birthday to Me!
Boom. Sparkle. BOOM!

2 thoughts on “40, 40, 40…oh how I love you!”

  1. Deborah Wunnicke says:

    Rock On, Daughter. There is nothing more important in life than to Love and Honor thyself….
    the consequence of which will be to spread it around nice and thick!
    May your 4th decade be thrilling.

  2. Carlos Alvarado says:

    You have shared 15 out of your 40 years with me and I feel the luckiest person in the whole planet . I am so proud of who you were when I first met you but I am even more prouder of who you are now.

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