A Mist of Gray Over My Pot of Gold

Peace can be conflicted. It seems like an oxymoron but as I work through this process of self-discovery, this journey to slow down and be more open to my spiritual path, I’ve become more accustomed to the swing of feelings and the complexity that it isn’t black or white, there is a lot of gray and sometimes my gray feels yukky.

What has freaked me out (maybe in a good way) is that I can experience two completely different places of ‘being’ in the same day. And really, in the same moment. This is how I started noticing it…

A morning meditation has me super, ridiculously grateful for my amazing life. I can spend 10 minutes writing a list of everything I’m grateful for and my heart overflows with a WOW. I can put my life into the perspective “Amazeballs”. And that I created this (well, I co created it with my Godess/Universe but that is another story). I wanted this life so badly and I envisioned it and I worked my ass off for it. And here I am. It is like I slid over that hump in the rainbow and landed in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I’m only 38 and I’m in a pot of frickin’ gold. So blessed. Living in abundance. So much to be grateful for on so many levels with my family, our business, health and wellness, friendships, community. The whole damn package is awesome.

That is how I start my morning.

And then mid-way through the day I find myself sitting in a parking lot staring at a beautiful tree and I become incredibly aware of this gut rot, gnawing feeling that I can’t name. It is a heaviness and yearning at the same time. There is more. This isn’t it. I’m not living in my purpose. I’m here to serve and I’m not serving enough. Is it the “I’m not enough” issue that so many women suffer from? No…maybe…but no, that’s not it. I’m not satisfied that I’m using my gifts to serve in the way I’m meant to serve. But I don’t know what exactly I’m supposed to be doing differently. I am overwhelmed with feeling frustrated, impatient, anxious and overall itchy. I want something different to happen now because I’m ready now (so I think). I want to cry because maybe that will make it better but then I get mad at myself for not feeling grateful for my abundant life.

Extreme? Normal? It doesn’t really matter, it is what it is. I try to play that game of accepting where I’m at and loving this place. Because that is what the books recommend. And I believe it. I drink the kool aid because it makes sense. My mentors, the people I love, my guides all support and encourage me to be in the moment and accept it and love where I’m at. But sometimes I just want to say, “fuck that”, I am ready for more. I am ready for the next Love Project. Let’s go; let’s do this thing.

And I actually smiled as I wrote that. I can notice and observe that excitable, jumpy, impulsive being in me. She is kind of like the little girl that is always ready for an adventure. I remember visiting a friend in San Diego and we were all hanging out in his living room when one of his roommates asked, ‘Who wants to go skydiving with me?” I immediately raised my hand and waved it around. I had never thought of jumping out of plane. It wasn’t on my bucket list and as my hand was still waving in the air the thought that ran through my head was, “What the hell are you doing? Why would you want to jump out of a plane?” Yet three days later I did it and I LOVED it. Impulsive and a bit crazy. I can love that part of me. I don’t really want her to change. I love the way she dances around like an uninhibited 10 year old. I love the way she jumps at opportunity the way she jumps out of a plane.

The wise Goddess in me sits patiently, meditating on acceptance and self love with an aura of calm that causes a deep slow breath to fill my lungs. She smiles and reminds me that it is okay to be all that I am; to swing from both moments within a day, within a moment, and to know that it will all work out, that it is all worked out right now. Right here, in this moment. It is okay to be dissatisfied and grateful at the same time.

And the spiritual journey continues. Sometimes it is gray and mucky and I want to cry. It isn’t always glitter and sparkle. I’m learning to be cool with that.

4 thoughts on “A Mist of Gray Over My Pot of Gold”

  1. Julie says:

    I enjoy the company of people who can authentically be who they are. All glitter and sparkle (farting fairy dust), or all gloom and muck, or a zombie walking a straight line through the gray, those people are hard to be around. I believe all of us appreciate others who show up in real ways we can either relate to, learn from or be of service for.

  2. Roger says:

    Sara, I get all of this and I dig it. Thanks for shining your light!

  3. Lesley Cook says:

    I think it is hard to be content. That is saying you have or have done enough. But you’re only 38. I knew a 92 year old lady who retuned from her 94 year old cousins funeral and said to me ” if I only have 2 years left, how will I get everything done! ” She passed away the next year and was acclaimed for her life well lived. Don’t ever be totally content thats when you start going backwards.

  4. Rebecca Ryan says:

    Sara, thank you for posting this. I have been trying to untangle one of the hairballs you mention, the mashup of Being and personality.

    Like you, I have an entrepreneurial “quick start” personality. Some might call it impulsive; I call it FUN! I like spontaneity, to take a hard right turn on a moment’s notice. I will ride rollercoasters until I get a concussion, take the afternoon off of work to eat pie with a friend, and get really jacked up about finding the perfect, hilarious image to embed into a presentation because I know the audience will Crack. Up.

    But how does that square with the calm, zen-like “being” that is my connection to All? I have never seen a Buddhist teacher act in a spontaneous way or go out of their way to make a good fart joke. Has the Dalai Lama ever jumped out of an airplane because a stranger asked, “Who wants to do this?”

    Over time, I have learned/deduced from my Buddhist teachers that having a high state of being is linked to motionlessness (sitting on a cushion, or if you’re really wacky, walking meditation), deep contemplation, and frankly, a sort of boring existence. I’m sure I’ve arrived at these conclusions because I’ve never lived in a monastery. Monks say there is plenty of drama; I’ve just never seen it.

    So I’m settling on this for myself…

    Each of us has a personality that’s part hard-wired and part cultural. There are many parts of my personality I don’t love (I can be a little judgey), but I have come to appreciate the pure parts: my bias towards action, my bias towards compassion, my bias towards cracking jokes and making people laugh. I can’t NOT do these things. And the world needs them.

    [Ranty sidenote: Jane Magruder Watkins told me about a time that she’d been asked by the Dalai Lama to consult with the monk/refugee community in Tibet. As part of her preparation, she asked all of the monks to do the Myers Briggs. The results showed that most of the monks are introverts with very similar personality types, none of which are ACTION oriented. The world needs people like you and me!]

    And…I don’t have to trade my personality in order to be present. My Beingness can come through, even when I’m waving my arms telling a story. I’ve never seen Pema Chodron do this, but who the fuck cares? 🙂 Here’s what I do…every time before I get in front of an audience, I go to a very quiet place backstage, stand with myself alone, and pray, “Only this moment. With these, my brothers and sisters. Be here. With them. Completely.”

    Of course, you already know all this stuff. I’m just typing to remind myself.

    Keep writing, Sara. The world needs you.

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