As I’ve followed the call to show up as me and cease pretending to be who I’m ‘supposed’ to be, I celebrate the freedom that I feel. I gush about how wonderful it has been on this journey of SARAness to strip away the veils and allow myself to shine in my own light.
Duality pops in, as it always does. Freedom and Fear.
It’s hard to swallow. I feel the tightness in my throat as I acknowledge the fear that spins around and through me on this journey.
It was a spontaneous and serendipitous encounter to sit by a soul friend at dinner last night. We both reveled in the magic of being at the same event as she took the seat open next to me. We don’t know each other well except on the face of facebook.
The conversation quickly dived into the shared experience of sinking to the floor with the bold realization that you are dying inside and the light is flickering. Do you know that experience? It sucks. Clearly, we didn’t bother chit chatting about bullshit. Facebook does that for us already (yes, I love summer and my oldest is at another soccer camp this week).
As I’ve shared in my burn out post I know this dying feeling intimately. I’ve stepped into the journey of being me to bring that light back. To find a way to breathe again. I’m still on that journey and I still stumble along (and of course do some cartwheels).
But let’s be real, it is scary as hell. When I share about the joy and rejuvenation that comes with JUST BEING ME, the positive spin I put on it makes me dizzy. Now as I sit on my bed trying to regain some balance I realize the story I’ve been spinning is uber positive.
As Danielle LaPorte says, “It takes courage to be creative, vocal, vulnerable – and it takes stamina, because if you want the best out of life, life will demand the best out of you – over and over again.”
Hello…she is talking to me. God, I love it when she does that.
I’ve been tapping into a lot of courage to be creative, vocal and vulnerable. And yes, life is demanding the best out of me right now. It pisses people off (insert sad face). The feeling of being misunderstood and isolated tightens my throat. It requires a high dose of self-care and a shit ton of self-love. Not the surface self-love like pedicures and champagne at lunch with girlfriends (oh I love that kind of self-love!). This requires the deep self-love like how I talk to myself, treat myself and how I feed my soul.
Being me isn’t just about the fun and adventurous experience of creating freedom from the box I’ve crawled out of. The duality exists for a reason. Denying the duality doesn’t serve me so I choose to sit here with it.
Dinner with Lisa was a moment to reflect, hold hands in the dark space and allow the vulnerability to surface. It was time to realize that the fear exists and serves a purpose. It is a signal. It earns the right to be heard and acknowledged. Hearing what fear says doesn’t mean that I’ll listen to it…on the contrary; I’ll probably drop an F bomb on it. But first I’ll allow it space. Hello Fear.
Being scared doesn’t mean I’m weak, it means I’m real.