A couple of weeks ago I confided in a friend that I was worried about something I had said and concerned that I sounded ‘full of myself.’ I don’t want to sound arrogant, I said.
She was like, “Sara, you can’t sound or be arrogant if you aren’t arrogant. And you’re not arrogant. You are who you are, self loving and confident, and if that is arrogant, then I guess I hope you are arrogant. And if someone perceives something you say or do in the wrong way, then that was the meaning of that interaction. Don’t take it personally. Be true to yourself. And PLEASE, be full of yourself. Because if you aren’t full of YOU…who are you?”
She was on a roll and she continued, “IMAGINE for a moment…if we were all full of ourselves..our TRUE Selves…the love and service within…the world would be healed.”
“THAT is some profound shit!”
It was profound indeed. I still felt uncomfortable though and I realized that I was uncomfortable with how someone had potentially perceived me. And when I realized that I was worried about that and not questioning my own integrity, I got pissed. I don’t want to be that insecure girl from middle school, or high school, or at age 39, that worries about what others think to the extent it throws me off my vibe.
The real truth is that sometimes I worry that they (yes, ‘those people’ that I don’t even know) will say, “Who does she think she is?” Yet the loudest voice is inside, “Who do you think you are?” And that sucks. There is that voice that shames and critiques the bold and brave Sara. I hear her, I acknowledge her, and sometimes she needs to back off. So that is what I practiced last week.
I was jamming in my car, singing and dancing, and I posted on facebook that I’m singing and dancing in my car makes me happy. Someone commented that they would love to see how that was done…the dancing part. So later in the afternoon after I saw the post I was back in my car and I pulled over so I could safely hold my phone to video myself dancing. Without a second take or even a second thought, I posted the video on facebook. Yep, a video of me dancing in my car.
Of course, as you can imagine, later in the day I had some fleeting moments of, omg I can’t believe I posted that. But I got over it quickly because it was just me, dancing in my car. It was me being fully me. Sharing the FULL OF SARA with whoever wanted to witness it.
The reason this is so important to me is because I’m ultra aware of how affected we are by what everyone else is doing, what they think, what is acceptable, not acceptable, and how we will be judged. I’m ready to have all of that go away. I would love to live in a world where everyone is celebrated for being who they are. I want to raise my kids, and I hope I am, to know that they are not just ok in being themselves, but they are FABULOUS. And I celebrate their uniqueness. To teach that, I have to live it. As scary as it may be. I have to have those moments where I question how much of SARA is at the table. Is she hiding something, holding back, worried about how she will be perceived by others?
So here I am, dancing in my car for those of you that didn’t get a chance to witness it on facebook: