I’m going to get a little naked and vulnerable here. Last week I wasn’t feeling myself. I was off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I wanted to ‘figure out’ what was wrong and fix it. Typical Sara move. I wanted to feel better. The joy in being in love with life is delicious and I missed it. But life ebbs and flows. I was in the ebb.
This is a little bit of what was swirling around in my head:
- What am I doing with my life?
- Why don’t I feel inspired right now?
- Why aren’t I further along with my book?
- I have so much to be grateful for, what is wrong with me?
Always these big questions with critical jabs. The little nagging voice on my shoulder was telling me to chill out. Relax and stop being so hard on myself. Easier said than done.
I found some writing time and instead of jumping on my computer I opened up an old journal. This was the entry on January 5th, 2000. I had just moved to Mexico on my own 3 weeks earlier and hadn’t yet met Carlos:
“I am in healing mode, transition process. My goal, my passion, is solid within – I want to teach, I want to open minds, open hearts and clear space for communication. I want to break through the stereotypes, the fears and help people see that we are all equal, we are all human and everyone has something to offer to this world. We are able to learn something from every person we meet. When we break down the judgments, we break away from what is okay in society’s book and we make it real simple – no size is too big or too small, no color is better than another, no laughter is too loud or too high pitched. We are all we are for certain reasons – let’s accept and love that. That is to see light, this is how I see God.”
Seriously y’all, that is some deep and wise shit for a struggling 24 year old (and I was struggling for sure!). Yet there it was in free hand form in my journal 16 years ago.
And here I am now, 41 years old, still questioning my hearts calling. It seems pretty straightforward though doesn’t it? My truth is clear in my own words. There is no doubt that I want to be part of a different way in this world. I don’t like what I see and I have a goal, a passion, for change, for light, for love.
Yet I keep seeking. What I don’t want you to know is that I feel like a fraud. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing or how to do it. I wonder if I’m learning what I’m supposed to be learning. I wonder if I’m serving the way I’m supposed to be serving.
This might not make any sense, but it is what goes on in my brain. This concept of being a fraud comes from my role working in real estate, of being a business owner, and also being a free spirited, gypsy dancer with a fire in me for justice and love.
It doesn’t work together. You can’t be both of those.
But I am.
It doesn’t feel right.
But it is – because it is who I am.
I don’t know how to explain it when people ask what I do at dinner parties. I literally choke on my words, swallow them and fumble my way through each time.
It feels confusing.
Yet it is simple.
I am who I am. I am where I’m at. And it’s all perfect just the way it is.
It is perfect for me to question it, to get all twisted up about it and then to spill it out and share it. It is who I am and it is me being truthful and showing up real in the world.
I don’t need to figure it out or fix it. I will stay on my path…with an open mind, an open heart and determined to love and accept myself just the way I am.
To quote myself, “We are all we are for certain reasons – let’s accept and love that. That is to see light, this is how I see God.”
I thought this was about me remembering my heart’s calling as a change maker for justice and equality. But it is more personal than that…it is about me remembering to love and accept ME just the way I am.
Back to self love.
And then onward to sharing the love with the world.