Coming to Terms with My Ambition
What is my deal with ambition? It is almost like I’m trying NOT to be ambitious. Like ambition is a bad thing. I might take this to the sexism category. Because of course if a guy is ambitious he is all that and if a woman is ambitious she is selfish, the bad kind of selfish. I just noticed this yesterday when I ran into a neighbor and we were talking about meditation. She said something along the lines of, “It wasn’t like I was seeking enlightenment or anything, I’m not that ambitious…” and then she went on to talk about her enlightened moments throughout her day and practicing mindfulness. I got caught on her comment about ‘not being that ambitious.’ Am I seeking enlightenment because I’m too ambitious? Is there something wrong with being too ambitious or was her comment simply a demeaning comment about herself?
Yep, I went monkey mind. I was chasing all these thoughts around in my head and judging myself and over analyzing and contemplating. It was quite amusing when I finally realized it. So what if I’m super ambitious? I’ve always been competitive and ambitious. I’ve met other awesome amazing women that go all out and have a blast doing it and those are my soul sisters. There might not be as many of us in the world but as soon as we quit giving each other a hard time and criticizing our own sisters and we start focusing on what we want and supporting each other to go for it and cheering each other on our tribe will grow.
I have a friend and she makes fun of me in a way that feels a bit judgy because I ‘do’ so much and I’m always on high speed and on committee’s and boards and starting new projects. She calls me an overachiever and says it in a way that feels bad. I have always laughed about it but today I don’t think it is that funny. It comes up when I’m having moments of feeling burned out, or guilt about not being a good enough mom, or wife or person. It feels like she is saying that I’m feeling bad because I’m an overachiever and because I always want to be the best. She might as well say, you aren’t around enough for your family and you should quit working and doing so much.
Fuck that. Seriously. An overachiever isn’t someone that only feels compelled to achieve at the highest level in their work and career. Hell no. I am all about being the best mom I can be. The best wife, the best servant for the Universe. You know what has been keeping me up at night? That I’m not living to my fullest potential and the Universe wants me to be serving a purpose and what if I’m not serving enough? How is that thought a bad thought? How is it bad to want to serve fully and create the best memories for our family and to be present in how our family is growing together and make sure we are challenged and living an amazing life?
I get it that it would serve me well to feel like I’m Enough. Just as I am right now. I know that that it doesn’t help when I feel like I need to be or do MORE. That isn’t a peaceful place and I am aware of it and am working on it. However, with that being said, I still think that if I choose to achieve at a high level in any area of my life, and accept and love all my possibilities and limitations and practice being enough, that I’m living a kick ass life. And if that friend wants to call that a bad thing, that is on her. I have seen the yukky side of going too fast, doing too much and I get that. I like that I’ve been able to slow down and be more present. And you know what? I take that to the highest level too. My meditation coach challenged me to meditate every single day. So I did. Because she didn’t think I could (Ok, she wasn’t challenging me just because of that, she thought it would benefit me). After a while I could tell that I was meditating just to say I did. And it wan’t feeling the benefit. So I backed off. I can sense when I’m doing something because it feeds that competitive spirit in me and when I’m doing something for a deeper purpose.
1. having or showing a strong desire and determination to succeed.
I have a strong desire to succeed. My definition of success might not be the same as it was. It will change in the future too. And it isn’t the same as my neighbors or my friends. I feel blessed to have been born into the life that I am in, to have the parents, the education, the opportunities and everything else that has created me as loving spirit. And I feel compelled, I have a strong desire, to utilize all that yummy light that shines in me to be the best, to give, to shine brightly in everything I choose to do and all that I am.
Most people tease others about things they feel insecure in themselves about. I remember giving a friend a hard time about mopping her kitchen floor every day (yes, EVERY DAY!). She gently said, “We all have different tolerances.” Which turned on the light bulb that I was being intolerant of what her tolerances were. That I was giving her a hard time because I felt less than her. So, you ambitious bitches out there stir up a lot of shit for us who do not feel ambitious and feel judged by you for not being ambitious enough. It is a shield and protective mechanism. It always comes back to just being the best you can be in your special way while encouraging and accepting others doing the same.