I’ve enjoyed (and struggled with) a lot of alone time this week. My kids left last week for a vacation with my parents. Carlos and I threw a killer party (we wanted to make sure we can still rock it!). We had a lovely weekend together and then he left for a business/family trip to Mexico on Monday. Then my house was quiet. Super quiet and I could hear myself think. I found out a couple of things this week.
– Since 2001, I’ve been missing myself (even if I didn’t know it) so I welcomed a week of aloneness and promised myself not to dwell on the missing. I didn’t want to shove the sad, missing moments away and pretend I was okay. No, I acknowledged them, felt them and let the feeling move through me as I returned to gratitude for this amazing opportunity to reconnect with ME!
– My role as Mom is incredibly consuming emotionally and physically (duh! But for the past 13 years I was too consumed to notice just how much). To have that role lifted and to have the absence of the day to day responsibility of feeding and managing other humans has been impactful. To not be MOM for a week has created space for my spirit to play differently, lighter and with a sense of wistfulness during the moments of missing my little people.
– My role as Wife isn’t nearly as consuming as my Mom role. Yet my Wife role is constant and I missed Carlos. I noticed how much I depend on him. I acknowledge my love for him a lot but not so much the dependence piece. That was an interesting awareness.
– I cherish my Mom and Wife roles. I am embarrassed to say this but sometimes I think of myself as a gypsy spirit with this burning desire to be free to travel the world and live in exotic places and sometimes I feel suffocated living such a stable, routine life. I admit that resentment creeps in when the amount of responsibility weighs on me. I long for the ability to eat when I want to eat and not worry about feeding someone else (please don’t judge). Because I haven’t been away from my children for such an extended time in the past 13 years I haven’t had the ability to miss the experience of playing that role. Of being that role with all my heart and all my soul. I have always known I love being a Mom. But this week gifted me a different perspective of just how much I love being Alex and Leo’s Mom. I can be both…a responsible mom and a free spirit. It isn’t always easy, but I am BOTH!
– I am the same as I was in 1998. I read some old journals. Oh my god laughing out loud by myself on the couch! I thought I’d gone through all this spiritual transformation recently but nope…I’ve been like this for a really long time. Yes, I’m very different in some ways but the core of Sara is the same. My values are the same, my dreams are the same, my desires are the same. I write the same way and use all those unnecessary exaggerated little words a lot! My to-do lists are the same. My aha moments are the same. My doodles are totally the same: suns, palm trees, oceans, stars, moons.
– I’m going to be the same in 2030. I’ll be 55 years old and I’ll be the same. I won’t have kids at home to take care of (Alex will be 29 and Leo will be 25). Who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing but I’m pretty sure of this…I’ll be grateful every day, in my love bubble throwing love dust all over the place. I’ll be driven to make this world a better place. I’ll be in love with my life and the people around me. I’ll be walking steadily in my spiritual practice, zenned out and still edgy. I’ll be full of joy, playfulness and laughter. I’ll be creating something. I’ll be writing. Si dios quiere I’ll be healthy and surrounded by family and friends. I’ll matter to someone. I’ll make a difference for someone. I’ll be enough.
I could reflect on how different I am today than I was 16 years ago and how much will be different for me in 16 years. But that is obvious and really, what has struck me the most in my quiet time this week is how much I’m the same. And how much I’ll be the same. I am grateful for that consistency and for seeing that gem of an insight. I don’t need to change. I don’t need to be better. I can be me, love me for who I am right now and accept myself instead of constantly striving for more growth, more changes, and making things better. I know all of that will happen naturally, I don’t need to push for it.
And now my quiet time is over. My house will fill with noise again, dirty socks in the living room, legos, schedules to keep track of, laundry, food preparation/clean up, friends to coordinate with, bickering, yelling, electronics, crying when the electronics are taken away, negotiating, whining, compromising, begging. It is a full life! And I get to show up in it with 100% of SARA!