What am I afraid to tell you? I’m afraid to tell you the truth about one of my dreams. ¿Y por qué preciosa?
Shame. Embarrassment. Inadequacy.
That must it.
Normal, right? No! I read all of Brené Brown’s books. I don’t do shame (Ha! Right). I’m a confident mujer and I believe that anything is possible. Yet here I am sitting in the mud. This time something different happened though. I allowed myself some time to feel the yuk and it started to unravel for me.
A number of years ago I heard a quiet whisper and it said, write a book. I had dreams of writing a book when I was in my 20’s so I just smiled at the whisper and I went along with my busy life. But I kept hearing it. Write. Tell your story. Write a book. Write, Sara.
Not that big of a deal, right? I want to write a book. That’s my dream. Why would I be scared to tell anyone that? I peeled back the layers and found that soft place in me where the rawness was.
Who am I to write a book and tell my story? Someone once told me I shouldn’t write a memoir because only celebrities sell memoirs or people that have had fascinating lives like Madeleine Albright. I felt stupid for thinking I could write one. I hear this in my head, “Who do you think you are?” in my moments of self-doubt. This is my shame.
Fear of Failure
What if I don’t do it? What if I tell the world I’m writing a book and then I don’t finish it? I’m scared of failing so I comfort myself by thinking that if I don’t tell anyone what I want to do more than anything in the world than I am safe.
Except I haven’t felt safe. I’ve felt like I’m hiding and that’s not who I am. I am a truth seeker and a truth teller. I don’t like masks; I don’t like pretending. I’ve been hiding out.
I’m Not Good Enough
What if I suck at writing it? What if I am not capable of the hard tasks involved in writing a book? Blogging is different than writing a book. Writing a book is hard! I’m not smart enough. I haven’t had enough schooling. What if I’m not good enough to write a book?
Psychological shit storm right?
I wonder how I can have such a clear message in my heart and yet be so paralyzed by these mean voices in my head.
The healing happens here. I love the power of this because as I get honest with myself and allow my emotions and vulnerabilities their space, my heart feels strong and empowered.
Heart Truth #1 – I Trust the Divine
I trust the Divine. I believe that I’m here to serve and writing a book is me being of service. I am not doing this for me or for you. I’m doing this because it is what is burning inside of me. I can’t NOT do it. It hurts more to NOT write this book than it does to write it. As long as I sit in front of my computer with tears streaming down my cheeks because of that burning inside of me I will not give up on this dream. I will stay on this path.
Heart Truth #2 – I Can’t Fail
I can’t fail at this because writing a book is not my goal. This is what it is like to be called, to listen and to follow through. The outcome and the results aren’t significant. They don’t matter. Writing the book is what matters.
I choose courage. I see you fear and I appreciate you. I don’t like you at all and you are really pissing me off right now, but I see you and instead of telling you to f*ck off (that feels so good though), I will tuck you in for a nap on your little cot with a warm blanket and I’ll sing you to sleep so I can write. I know you’ll wake up from your nap and you’ll whine and nag at me. You’ll tell me I suck and that I can’t do this, but for now, it’s time to rest.
Heart Truth #3 – I am a Magnificent Being of Love and Light
My life has given me everything I need to write this book. I don’t need an MFA or a writing class right now. I am brilliant. This book is asking for me to write it because only I can write it. I am the chosen writer for this book. I am more than enough. I am perfect for this.
I pray, please help me get out of my head and into my heart.
The message from my heart is clear yet I haven’t been able to talk intelligently about my dream of writing a book. I don’t have an elevator speech so if you ask me what my book is about I will probably look at you in bewilderment. I’ve started it; I have ideas but I don’t really ‘know’ yet. I do not have a business plan for this.
It is murky and scary and painful.
It is also clear and exciting and delightful.
It hurts badly. And it feels really good.
But mostly it hurts. And that is okay. I am writing my book.
Your writer friend, Sara