The anxiety was something fierce as I walked into my high school cafeteria. I was new to this private school. I was an outsider, transferred from the nearby public school and I didn’t fit in. Perhaps my short jean skirt with my red cowboy boots contributed to the fact that there wasn’t a seat for me at the girl’s table.
The churning in my stomach and the fear of tear stained cheeks wasn’t because I couldn’t sit with the girls, it was because I was more than welcome at the boy’s table and I knew that this would only make the girls hate me more.
As a social creature, sitting alone didn’t enter into the equation. It was the boy’s table or the girl’s table and the decision had been made for me. As I sat down with the boys and turned up my flirty personality I was once again reminded of how much I detested girlfriend bullshit.
There were many times I either rolled my eyes or ugly cried over the drama that comes with catty girl stuff. I didn’t have the emotional maturity to understand that underneath the angst and frustration was rejection, betrayal and loneliness. I wanted to feel loved and I wanted to belong. Normal stuff.
It wasn’t all rain clouds for me though. I created some solid and trustworthy girlfriends along the way and deep inside I knew to never completely give up on the potential of sisterhood. Thank god for that.
I got it now baby. And I cherish it more than words. But it took so long.
Here’s the real deal…I denied myself this magical connection for many years. My memories of having good girlfriends came with a lot of baggage so once I got married and had a baby it was easy to deny myself sisterhood. I didn’t do it on purpose. It snuck up on me and then became normal.
Parenting and Career Snuck Up on Me.
Parenting snuck up on me for sure. That’s another story. Once I became a Mom it took me many years to realize I could put myself at the top of my priority list again.
Career snuck up on me too. Our society places a lot of value on producing, achievement and success. So I produced, achieved and succeeded. I leaned in. I had another baby. I didn’t let motherhood get in the way of my career. I was driven and driving fast.
Thankfully I didn’t crash. It was a burnout but it was more like the process of running into thick mud and realizing I couldn’t run anymore. Each step seemed heavier and more difficult. That created the opportunity for me to notice what was missing and why I wasn’t happy. One of the things that was glaringly obvious to me (finally) was that I didn’t have real girlfriends that I could divulge EVERYTHING to. I was missing Sisterhood.
Sisterhood Brought Me Back to Me
I went on a women’s retreat in the winter of 2013 and met my first group of sacred sisters. I opened up. I allowed myself to share, peel back the layers, take off the mask, and simply BE ME! Magic happened. They loved me even when I shared my darkest shadows. They loved me when I was real.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”
I came back to my community, my family, my friends and I started to open up more and allow myself to be me. I wanted to see if the world would end if I loosened up, danced more, and most importantly, spoke my truth with courage and conviction…because that is who I am.
I braced myself to lose some clients, some agents, some so called friends. I didn’t (or maybe I did but it didn’t matter). I had to travel far and connect with women that weren’t in my community first to really allow the possibility of sisterhood into my life. That was a privilege and a leap of faith. Now I have women in my life within blocks of me that are in my sisterhood tribe. I’m so ridiculously grateful for that.
When my heart was calling me to write, it happened again. I tried going at it alone and I found myself lonely (surprise!) and crippled in fear, scarcity and not good enough crap again. That didn’t last very long. This time I knew what I needed. I followed my heart and the synchronicities of the divine into the arms of another sister circle.
This sisterhood started online at the Beautiful Writers Group (thank you Linda Sivertsen and Danielle LaPorte!) and then there was mad love, respect and brazen vulnerability experienced in person at Linda’s retreat in Carmel.
You know the magic that happens when you meet someone that shares your heart, passion, fears, desires and creative juices and you can literally feel it within the first couple of minutes of talking? And then you randomly blurt out, “OMG I love this human being of awesomeness!” But it’s not weird because they feel the same way.
This photo is full of unexpected insight and inspiration.
The sisters that are now part of my lifeline aren’t catty, dramatic or deceitful. They hold up the mirror for me and they love me in my red cowboy boots even if they wouldn’t be caught dead in them.
They support me and believe in me when I struggle to believe in myself.
They sit patiently with me in the darkness and beam proud smiles when I shine my light brightly.
My sisters are honest and loving; they don’t judge or criticize.
These warrior women are funny as shit and swear something fierce sometimes.
They believe in unicorns, fairy dust and rainbows.
They love and honor me wherever I am at.
Because of sisterhood, there is more sparkle in my life than ever before and I feel a freedom I denied myself for far too long.