I’m not trying to prove anything to you. I’m not being overly competitive. I’m not seeking worthiness through achievement.
I HAVE A LOT OF ENERGY.
I am a vibrant person. I do really well with 7-8 hours of sleep. I love early mornings and I wake up bubbly and happy, naturally – I don’t take drugs! I love moving my body, working out, running, jumping, cartwheels and skipping. My mom calls my energy strong and she gets tired listening to what I’ve got going on. I shine brightly. And that takes energy.
I am just now understanding that this isn’t good or bad. It just is. Part of my journey in the past two years has been about listening to my intuition more, slowing down, being instead of doing and feeling worthy. I’m enough just the way I am.
The shame of slowing down.
I have a lot of masculine energy. I think many people feel external shame for not doing enough but not me (the internal judgment for that is a different story though). I’ve experienced this head shake from people that judge me for doing too much. Comments like, “you must not get much sleep” or questions like, “When do you find time for your family?” and “How do you do it all?” make me second guess myself. Perhaps it is wrong for me to be so involved in everything. I used to defend my choices and there is nothing peaceful about being defensive. As I learned to practice life a little slower I struggled through it. I got uncomfortable. I acknowledged the voice in my head that worried about being the best I could be if I wasn’t producing or striving or doing so much. I watched and I learned as I worked through the journey of self discovery and self love. It sucked. And at the same time it was awesome.
As I experienced slowing down and making choices based on my intuition, my heart and my inner whisper, I realized that there isn’t magic in slowing down…the magic is in being aware of my energy. I don’t have a lot of insight on this. I’m still exploring it. What I do know is that energy is just like everything else in society. People have an opinion and/or a judgment about how much is too much or too little.
I have a girlfriend that loves to sleep and take naps. There are people that give her a hard time for sleeping so much. If she is listening to her body and living a healthy life in a way that feels good to her then let’s trust her to know what her body needs. Perhaps I’m jealous that she can sleep so much. Perhaps someone else feels bad that they sleep a lot so they criticize her to make themselves feel better. In both cases it isn’t about her…it is about them. Which is good to watch out for when we feel words sting us. There’s a good chance that it isn’t about us, it’s about them. Easy to understand intellectually and more difficult to handle when it happens personally.
For me it came down to this question: Am I going so fast and doing so much because it feels good or because I feel like I ‘should’ and won’t be worthy if I don’t?
When I dig deep I can recognize that when the Sara that gets shit done shows up she is either on fire and inspired or she is seeking worthiness. And when I recognize that I’m seeking to feel worthy and be good enough based on society, others and especially the super critical voice in my own head, I see that red flag for what it is and I check myself. I slow down. I go inside and I get quiet. I don’t need to prove anything. I am perfect just the way I am. I have tools to use when I’m in this vulnerable place to help me get back on the solid ground of trust, confidence and inner power.
When I’m on fire and inspired I tend to move fast. I get shit done. It is magical. I have a lot of energy. It buzzes inside of me and I am learning to manage it. I used to say I had ADD or ADHD. Joking about it normalized it for me. But that isn’t funny. Perhaps I was trying to excuse it. I don’t need an excuse and I don’t need to defend myself for having a lot of energy. I give myself permission to appreciate my energy level.
We live in a fast world and slowing down is an incredible practice. It is also an incredible practice to live at our own pace. Sometimes slowing down is helpful for my creative spirit and sometimes speeding up is works really well too. Allowing myself to move at my own pace without judgement and critique is a beautiful gift.
When I feel judgment from others about all the things I do and what my life looks like I acknowledge the comments and I stand tall in who I am. Yes, I have a lot of energy. I’m grateful for my health and for being inspired to live life as fully as I can. I’m so grateful for that. It is my passion. When I feel bad about myself I am not able to move as gracefully and shine as brightly (and that’s no fun) so I work at self-love and self-care daily. I make myself a priority. When I’m a priority in my own life I have more to give others.
I still have moments of not feeling good enough. One of my biggest trip ups is not feeling like I’m making a difference in the world. I feel like I’m not doing enough to make a difference and I should be doing more. This feeling sucks. It sucks the life out of me so fast. I feel small and alone. People can tell me all day long what a difference I’m making in the world and it doesn’t mean shit. What makes a difference in my heart is what I believe about myself. Seeking validation from others is like drinking poison and thinking it is medicine. The longer we fake ourselves out the worse the feeling gets inside.
The most important voice I can listen to is my inner whisper. She is quieter than the self-critical one that kind of shrieks at me. I have to pay close attention to listen to the loving voice that reminds me that everything is okay right now. Exactly where I’m at.
I practice being instead of doing. This has been transformational in living with that gremlin that tells me I’m not good enough and I should be doing more. If I can BE who I want to be then all the other stuff falls into place.
I can move slow or fast through the world and it is all good when I’m being Sara. When I try to be the best daughter or the best mom I might be going too fast. I might not be going fast enough.
When I allow myself to show up as SARA and release the rest of it I am perfect. I am enough. I am making a difference.
Can you imagine how amazing it would be if we all showed up as our own powerful selves and released the role of being who we think others want us to be? I am so excited to see more and more of this happening in and around me.